I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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