I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
