My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
All the doctor said was why
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