I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
