i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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