You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
