i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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