Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
