I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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