i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
