Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
