My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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