good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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