You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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