apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
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