I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
