I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
