He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
this is an emotional support booty call
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
