I skipped work to stalk him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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