Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
