low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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