Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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