We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i think i just lost a toe
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
