So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What drink are we having for lunch?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
