peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize