I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
