Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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