I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
