he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
