i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
