dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I cannot find my penis.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize