I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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