I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
