watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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