Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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