It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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