it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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