I looked at my own cervix.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
