I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
