i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
