Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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