He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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