Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
