Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just googled if crying burns calories
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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