She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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