you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
