peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
