Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
