Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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