I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
