Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
