between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
