I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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