we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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