We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
