I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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