We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
