According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
