my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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