If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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