i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All the doctor said was why
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
